Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Red Flag Reasons Not to Marry

Angie here: starry-eyes and sweet kisses are lovely to read about and watch in movies, but harder to see through when emotions carry lovers away from reality. Because my target audience is women, I write this with that slant. But male/female can be reversed in this blog post. Part 1. Part 2 next week...

Here are red flag reasons not to marry that often get overlooked in the intensity of the relationship, what it looks like, and the reasons why they're red flags.

Red Flag Reasons Not to Marry (but we're so well matched!)

1. Jealousy: Questions about who you've been talking to, where you've been, and hyper-awareness of your interactions with others including unfounded accusations.

Why? Jealousy escalates. You can't make it go away in someone else. Jealousy is a deep-ceded character flaw that destroys a marriage. It will erode and unravel from day one.

2. Charm: The charmer seems like a dream come true. He brings a rose on the first date, flatters beyond a compliment, seems too-good-to-be-true.

Why? Someone who is overly charming is often hiding a deceitful, controlling heart. Charmers are very surface with little personal self-worth. Charm is not the same as manners and gentlemanly behavior, but they'll use these with a flourish.

3. Weighted decision-making: He makes the decisions with little input from you. Often disguised as confident, successful, powerful.

Why? You'll be discounted. Your human value will be in continual deterioration until one day even you believe your worthlessness and inability to make a decision. This behavior is power & control, not confidence.

4. Sarcasm: Dry humor can be funny. Comedians use it all the time. But it's not  funny when a loved one constantly belittles and targets someone they supposedly love. This habit forms quickly and is super hard to change.

Why? Biting cut-downs destroy relationships and respect. Stop them the first time or you will regret it for a lifetime. The longer this behavior goes on, the less he will respect you. The longer you allow this behavior, the less you will respect yourself. Stop it or RUN!

5. Childish: Silly, funny, Peter Pan always makes you laugh. But, if he can't manage his own schedule, clean his own home, manage his own finances then this will get old FAST!

Why? You aren't a mate to a childish man. You'll become his mother. When this happens, you'll lose respect for him. This is the biggest desire for a man--to be respected. If he hasn't grown up enough to have a mate, don't become his mother. You'll grow to despise him.

6. Cheating: Really? I need to explain? Okay. If a guy cheats while in a committed dating relationship, don't give him a second chance.

Why? You put up with it once. It becomes justifiable the next time. This is selfish, self-centered behavior. It doesn't stop when you marry. It accelerates. Come on, you've heard it and seen it enough. Don't fall for the line, "I promise I won't do it again."

7. Family objections: If people who love you say something is wrong, start asking what they see. Don't brush off their honest concerns. Ask them to share the concern and help you understand what they see that you don't.

Why? We all have blinders on when we think we're in love. We'll justify and excuse a lot of red flags. Our family and friends are not pumped full of hormones and chemical reactions. Yes, we have chemical reactions to people. Chemistry. Certain people can literally cause an electrical charge up our skin and raise the hairs on the inside of our ears. It's a scientifically proven phenomenon. BUT did you know that's not an isolated reaction? More than one person can cause this in an individual. Our families see and think more clearly because they don't have the exact same reaction to the fellow. Trust the people who love you and have loved you all your life.

So share your thoughts and share these red flag reasons not to marry with those you love. Save them from a life of disappointment and hurt. What if you or your friend didn't marry one fellow and found the right fellow later.

You just might save a marriage!


  1. Oy! I should have talked to you 27 years ago! Will keep this in mind when I'm ready to start looking again! Thank you my dear, wise friend!

  2. Ah, thanks! I really hope this post and the next few in the series will help people avoid those pitfalls in relationships.

  3. Great advice, Angie! I look forward to more next week

  4. Hi Angie:

    How many red flags disqualify a potential mate? I used a red flag system and I was 33 before a woman, who would actually marry me, passed the test!

    BTW: my number one red flag (and instant disqualification) was a woman who could not get along with her mother. If she was always fighting with her mother, even if it was her mother’s fault, she was too high a risk of being messed up by the experience herself.

    Can’t wait to see your other red flags.


  5. Hi Angie,
    Thanks for such insightful post. Since I put my self back on the market afer twenty years, it has been interesting. I need to copy out your list and remind myself every time I date someone new. Have a great day.

  6. Hi Vince,
    I've missed you here! I love your comments. I do have to admit taking time off from our blog for my shoulder surgery too so it's likely my fault for not seeing you.

    I LOVE your #1 red flag. It's brilliant!! I think it's crucial to meet and spend time with your mate's family. See how they interact with each other. Watch their dynamics. Those are the dynamics your potential mate understands. But do you?

    I ended up with a 3 part series so far. I'm thinking it might be even more. Every time I go to finish a blog post on this topic, I think of more.

    Kim, thank you! It's so hard to date after a long marriage. Some people simply choose not to go there. As you're thinking through some of these, the key is going to be recognizing those that are non-negotiable. Not each is non-negotiable for everyone. They are for me, but I've been told by some people that it's impossible to find a mate without some of these red flags. Maybe. But there are also degrees of health. Someone who feels a tad jealous is not the same as someone who is psychotic and fixated on you. So be aware of the degree of health. Hmm, I feel another blog series coming on...
    Seriously, may God guide your choices and bless you with a godly relationship.